The Marketing Bureau

Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don't have it, for something that they don't need.

Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.

Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.

Bank: A place that will lend you money only when you don't need it.

Bear Market: Eight months when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.

Broker: The person that you trust with thousands of your hard earned dollars. Hello!

Broker: What my broker has made me.

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

Budget: Written proof that you can't afford the things you want.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: Chief fraud officer.

Day Trader: A more socially acceptable gambling addict.

Discounted Stock: A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.

EPS: Eventual prison sentence.

FRS: Fantasy reporting standards.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Momentum Investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Profit: A man that prays to God.

Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Market Correction: The term your broker uses for a stock market crash.

Stock Split: When your former wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.