The Marketing Bureau

Wisdom On All (or Many. Or Some) Things About Consultants

Practicing as a Consultant? Hiring a Consultant? Married to a Consultant? You'll need to know this stuff.....

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

1. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
2. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
3. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
4. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.
5. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
6. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
7. So what do you need me to tell you?
8. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
9. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
10. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me.

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

1. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
2. Do you pay overtime?
3. I hate flying.
4. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
5. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
6. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
7. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
8. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
9. Two words: family first.
10. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

1. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
2. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
3. Takes a half day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
4. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
5. Tries to call room service from the bedroom.
6. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
7. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
8. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
9. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
10. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".